Our Review of Nuvo, by Rocco

Jason was pretty excited when we came up with the idea to do a review of the new "sparkling liqueur" Nuvo because he figured since all the girls in the rap videos like it there was a good chance his uptight girlfriend might like it too, and get drunk enough to let him take his shirt off during sex.

Things were off to a good start at the liquor store where the 60 year-old cashier woman commented that the bottle “looked like fun” and to “tell her what it tasted like”. While pouring Nuvo all over a woman old enough to eat dinner before 4 o’clock isn’t quite what we had in mind, we were at least encouraged. Jason also wanted me to mention there was a 6’3 woman behind him in line with 2 half-gallons of Yukon Jack. He said he could literally feel his manhood run and hide as he tucked the giant lipstick/dildo-shaped Nuvo bottle under his arm to leave.

We had become so convinced this over-priced alcohol was going to get the party started we invited two other uptight white girls (one being my wife) to join our “taste test” that night. The last thing you notice before opening the bottle is that you just paid $30 for 750ml of 30 proof booze. The first thing you notice when you open the bottle is a strong scent that can only be described as “hot-ass stripper”. We passed around champagne glasses half-filled with the pink “rap video maker” and waited.

We wish this was the part of the story where our pasty-white girls started taking their shirts off and grinding to the MTV Jams playing in the background…but it’s not. They whined (as usual) about the “too sweet” flavor, and the “instant heartburn”, and that “we should stop trying to take their shirts off”. We tried some too and it’s tough to argue against them, for once. Jason may have nailed it when he said “it tastes like that bubble gum medicine they give you when you’re a kid that’s supposed to taste like bubble gum but really just tastes like bubble gum poison”. I can also tell you from my experience the next day it’s not the best thing to drink after Jason has convinced you to have a bacon bleu cheese burger, wings, and six Miller Lites for dinner…although maybe I shouldn’t “blame it on the Nuvo”.

Jason is trying to talk me into going back to the liquor store to see what the cashier thinks. Meanwhile my wife is bitching because the Nuvo bottle is too tall to fit in the fridge and it keeps falling onto her nineteen bottles of water and rotting vegetables for the salad she’s never going to make. Somehow I think things would have worked out better if we had held the taste test on a boat, or in the back of Rick Ross’ Maybach, or in a celebrity-filled club with a big Panda running around…or at least without girls that are so damned uptight/married to you.

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